I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
