That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
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no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
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Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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