My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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