you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My bed smells like the plague
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize