hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
