My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
