So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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