That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Randomize
