Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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