just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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