No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
