The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
