On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
