Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
