summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
