Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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