Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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