So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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