I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
How does one acquire holy water?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
