Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
