I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I wish there were birth control emojis
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
