I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Operation Purity has been aborted
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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