I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
