My cat gives me a boner
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
