I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
