i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
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This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
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If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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