Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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