Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
