so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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