I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
