So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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