My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
