Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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