I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
