I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
