I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
