Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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