i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are