Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
