do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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