I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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