If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
