quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
