I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
