I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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