i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
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Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
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We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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