I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
