Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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