I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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