Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
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All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
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All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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