dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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