Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
