if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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