so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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