So drunk, too bad you don't want this
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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