Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
