The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
