I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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