To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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