You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
